I mean one liners and short funny thoughts​. Not the kind of quickies that one super drunk girl you guys had to take care of the whole time on the spring break 2003 trip had with that ever-so-charming guy from Madrid, that she couldn’t stop bragging was up against a hand dryer in a public bathroom.  These kind of quickies aren’t going to send you home with herpes. That’s what you get for bragging about fucking some random gross dude using early 80s Madonna pop culture references to show off.  Give Madge some respect.  

​ *Whenever I am going on a trip, I become obsessed with organizing the house before I leave. And then I think to myself, “Who am I doing this for? Am I afraid a burglar will break into my house while I’m gone and judge me for being a slob?”

*Tempurpedic beds are like boobs. Men and babies find them very comfortable to lay on, and they get hard when it’s cold.

* There is a guy who works for a company we partner with named Mike Hill. He’s a great guy, but I almost wish he was a competitor. Because I desperately want to make a video where I run into him at one of my accounts, and have wildlife noises playing in the background; and I circle him menacingly while a lion roar is dubbed in, and I say, “I guard my territory, and my predatory instincts kick in as I close in on Mike Hill,” and then I wrestle him to the ground and pretend to be eating him. Good thing his last name isn’t “Hunt”. 

*If you think about it, a guy named Chance dating a girl named either Faith or Destiny is asking for trouble in the long run.

*I can’t stand when people end conversations by saying “Make it a good day!”. No one commends you for being unrealistically positive, we all just think you smoke too much pot and read too many self help books.

*Dear business owners, please STOP playing Adele in your waiting rooms. Yes, she has a beautiful voice but it’s always a better business model to create happiness in order to make patrons want to return to your business, not cause them to be so depressed that they contemplate taking their own life so they are never actually ABLE to return. You see, repeated patronage involves your clients remaining alive. Same thing goes with playing Justin Bieber, but your clients will be suicidal for entirely different reasons, or they might just die on the spot due to bleeding out the ears.

*Why do men on dating sites have to tell me that they’re Italian (since it isn’t obvious by my profile that I am)? This is the east coast, we are a dime a dozen. Is that really a selling point? I feel like writing back, “Awesome! Since we are trading completely unimportant facts that have nothing to do with romantic compatibility, I like tacos.” But then again, the kind of people who mention their ethnicity as a selling point aren’t the kind of people who would get that.

*If I were to write a memoir of my love life, I’d call it, “Well, That Ended Fast! (Insert Sex Joke Here) (Insert Sex Joke About the Word ‘Insert’ Here)”

*I just met someone who has a bachelors degree in Rhetorical Studies. I mean, it sounds a little crazy, but why not? #nerdhumor

*Rule of thumb: If you have a sex shop, a check cashing place, and a pawn shop in your neighborhood, move.

*Is it just me or does the ap store icon on iPhone look like an anarchy sign? #appropriate

*I have a better name for the movie The Revenant. Instead I propose they call it, Forty Thousand Ways to Almost Die.

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