Dear Hipsters, or Try Not to Puke on the Kale

Dear Hipsters,
While I appreciate that you live in areas with fine eateries and close proximity to major cities, I have to inform you of a few things that have been bothering me lately about your culture. You see, most of the time I think I’m a pretty cool and moderately cultured and intelligent individual. But, apparently, hipsters feel otherwise about this matter. And, the sheer smugness of it all irritates the crap out of me. Because you, hipsters, live in a bubble whereupon if you ever left, you’d be the laughing stock of the free world. And, that in and of itself, makes you UN-cultured, due to your sheer inability to understand that most people who visit your oddly placed microcosms find you silly, smelly, and pretentious. Let me explain.

1. Paying someone upwards of $80 to have a hair cut that makes you look like your neighbor’s five year old took scissors to your head while you were sleeping is nothing short (ha) of heinous. I really hate that saying this makes me sound like my grandfather, but I hate even more that your haircuts are utterly blasphemous to my OCD tendencies and I feel the need to run up and fix you. Let’s face it, this entire paragraph produces a level of self-loathing I am unwilling to face at this time.

2. You are not an artist if you play in a band where nobody knows how to play instruments.  I could pick up a guitar and claim the random string plucking is “music,” but it might result in people outside of say, Brooklyn, throwing tomatoes at me. The only people who’d appreciate it are the people who are as stoned as you are, but probably only if I also had a funny hair cut. This one I’m not saying because I’m old, this one I’m saying because you legitimately suck on a level having nothing to do with appreciating genres, it has to do with appreciating actual TALENT.

3. Wearing clothes from American Apparel that hug your package in such a way that makes it look like you are propositioning midgets and small children is disturbing, to say the least. Paying that much for spandex points to the larger fact that you probably need to retake those college economics classes your daddy paid so much for.  And while you’re all hoity toity about being focused on ethical issues, please understand that kids in sweatshops in China made those things you call pants that show way too much of your anatomy for me to understand why cops don’t arrest you for indecent exposure.

4. You are not enlightened because you haven’t showered in weeks. That does not tell people that you are focused on bigger issues, it tells people that you see no problem contributing to the subway odor problem. People will forget all about your quest for world peace when they smell your armpits from two blocks away.

5. Just because you meditate, refuse to eat meat, and occasionally wander into New Age bookstores, it doesn’t make you a Buddhist.

6. The thrift store is there to help people who need everyday items and can’t afford them in regular stores. It is insulting that you pay $2000 a month for a one bedroom apartment and then buy clothes at the Salvation Army when some single mother with four mouths to feed needs that “cool” jacket you just bought for $3.50.

7. In your quest to be original, you have become just like everyone else in your bubble. You are not misunderstood. You are not enlightened. You do not understand more in the mere twenty-two years you’ve lived on this earth than people outside of your once downtrodden yet now trendily gentrified area. Walking around Williamsburg pontificating about things you haven’t lived long enough to have even a modest level of experience with, holding a coffee in your hand, doesn’t make you Nietzsche. It makes you pretentious and someone who needs a job.

8. If you want to be a vegan for health reasons, more power to you. But, maybe you should also consider the health effects of consuming 15 alcoholic beverages a night with your friends while you’re on that health kick. And yes, the beer is gluten free. You’re still going to have a crazy hangover for your shift at the food co-op.  Try not to puke on the kale.

…Though, come to think of it, that might actually improve the taste of kale.