The Jewpie

I have roughly 900,547 Jewish friends, and most of the men I’ve dated in the last decade have been Jewish, so I’m Jewish by injection (Dad, I totally mean Jewish doctors with syringes.). But despite my Jewish groupie status (Jewpie?) and apparent Shiksa role due to my preference in men, I really can’t understand this. It defies logic, and since I’m not actually Jewish, I wasn’t born with the innate genes that can help me figure this out.

Conversation with Pretty Much all my Jewish Friends at Some Point in Time:

Jewish Friend: I am dating a non-Jew who I really like.

Me: So what’s the problem? Is he hung like a field mouse? (Or* Is she bat shit crazy but you can’t break it off because she scores really high on that ‘The crazier she is, the better she is in bed’ scale you guys have?)

Chosen One: No. I have to marry a Jew.

Me: Honey, you’re an atheist.

Friend: That doesn’t matter. I want kids and I have to maintain bloodlines.

Me: You sound like Hitler. The irony.

Chosen Friend: Don’t say Hitler!

Me: But you do! That doesn’t even make any sense. You’re not religious so why does it matter if you marry a Jew if you’re not trying to create a master race?

Friend: Seriously, you’re a sick person. You need help. You’re lucky I love you. But to answer your question, my ancestors died in the Holocaust because of our faith so I should honor them by maintaining our heritage and blood lines.

Me: That makes no sense at all. But, you’ve shamed me into shutting up. Relish the moment, that shit doesn’t happen very often.

Jewish Friend: Sadly, I know. Mmm, blessed silence….

Me: You said “Mmm”. Let’s go eat!

Friend: I guess that’s over. (*Sigh*)

Me: Hey, you should know better than to make yummy noises in front of an Italian.

Friend:  It’s like you’re eating for Jesus.

Me:  I make Hitler remarks, you make Jesus remarks.  This is why I like you, everything is fair.


***Contents of above blog edited for accuracy and sensitivity by various Chosen friends in exchange for me not unnecessarily annoying them any more than usual, plus maybe some cookies. So, blackmail and bribery, basically. I’m an excellent friend.